You may be facing the most difficult crisis you can imagine. Your child has been sexually abused, perhaps by some close to you or an acquaintance or a complete stranger. Yes, it is terrible, but your child is alive and there is much you can do to help both yourself and your child come through this.

You are certainly not alone, small comfort though this may be. Some studies suggest that as many as three out of ten children Experience some sort of sexual abuse by the time they are sixteen. It is difficult for children to tell. Many go through life carrying the secret with them. Those are the unlucky one-the ones who don't get the support and love that you can offer to your child.

It won't be easy, but with the help of this guide and other resources, and the support of whoever you can turn to family, professionals, self-help groups, your church or religion, you will survive. What is more, your child will survive and with help, can go on to lead a happy, productive life. It may take time, but it is worth. This is the message from hundreds of parents who have had to deal with the abuse of their children. Deborth, mother of three children, felt the world had ended when she found out her eight year old son, Andrew, had been sexually abused. 'I felt I would never stop crying when they told me. All I could think of was my poor baby - would he be alright? I thought the pain would make me explode. I wished it had been me instead of him. I kept thinking, if only…Ofcourse I blamed myself - I should have protected him. That was two years ago. We've had counselling and I've read every self-help book available. Andrew seems to be OK, but I keep my fingers crossed and I still worry. I know things are better because we can laugh again without feeling guilty."

Child Sexual Abuse is any sexual exploitation of a child under the age of sixteen for the sexual pleasure or profit of an adult or much older person.

This includes masturbating the child, or the child masturbating the adult, touching genitals, taking obscene photograph of children, oral sex, penetration or attempted penetration of the child's vagina or anus, or involving children in prostitution. It may be a single incident or events which occur over a number of years.

Children's reaction to abuse vary according to their age, how severe the abuse was, who the abuser was, how the child was silenced and how the child was silenced and how people reacted to the child after the abuse was uncovered. It is important not to react with horror and shock, as the child needs to feel that the adult can cope.

Sometimes a child's body reacts to abuse and the child likes the feeling. This only means children's body is healthy and responding naturally to sexual stimulus. Often this is confusing for the child. (see Question That Children Ask).

You will be reacting in your own way to the abuse (See Parent's Feelings), which may make it complicated when trying to help your child. Hopefully, you will have professional help or some other form of support. All you can ask yourself is to try your best to help your child, to keep your reactions under control and to get help for yourself (See Take Care of Yourself). Try not to condemn the abuse or abuser in case it adds to the child's guilt and confusion. (See How Can I Help my Child?)

You may notice that your child's behaviour changes. Although many of these behaviours might have other causes, children who have been abused may:

These behaviours and others are your child's way of dealing with the abuse. With help, many of these behaviours will disappear, though some may take longer than others. There will be times when your patience is severely tried by your child. The thing to remember is ;that your child's reactions and behavioural changes are normal under the circumstances and that things will get better.

There may also be medical problems associated with the abuse, which means your child should have a full examination. Ensure that the doctor your child sees is trained to work with children and is experienced in dealing with children who have been abused. Children's doctors are trained in assessing the health and development needs of children and will also be gentle and compassionate in ;this sensitive situation. If you have doubts, get another doctor. Privately ask the doctor to reassure your child thathis or her body is alright, despite what happened. Stay with your child during the examination, if possible and appropriate.

The trauma of what has happened can seem overwhelming. One mother said she felt absolute fury at the abuser in particular and the world in general. A father said it was like "being in ;a deep pit, with no light or escape.'

It could also result in a rift between parents - people react differently to stressful experiences,. One partner may weep and talk, while the other reacts by building fences or digging holes or just keeping busy. If you resent the way your partner is dealing with his/her emotions, you may be unable to support each other. The best advice in this case is to deal with your own feelings in a way that is comfortable for you, but not to impose your way on others.

All of these feelings and reactions are normal under the circumstances. However, they can get in the way of helping your child. Children can be very protective. If they feel you are too upset by the abuse, they will stop talking about it to avoid hurting you. This doesn't mean you should not fell that way - only that you should not let it get in the way of your child's healing (See Take Care Yourself)

No matter haw you feel, it is unlikely that your child will feel exactly the same way. For example, your child may still like or even love the abuser, though you may hate that person. Take care not to impose your feelings on the child. Children need to come to terms with the abuse in their own way, what ever the rights or wrongs of the situation.

The problem of child sexual abuse is more complicated when the abuser is someone you love or have loved. In addition to the feelings listed above, some parents whose children were abused by their partners feel:

You may also have the added pressure of the reactions of others to the abuse. 'You must have known' or 'how could you let that happen?' or I've always thought he was strange' are unhelpful comments made to non-abusing parents trying to cope with the incestuous abuse of their children. Some parents do know about the abuse, but many do not.

When your child ;has been sexually abused, seek help. Find a counsellor, a friend, a family member-someone who will be non-judgmental and who will listen.(Sell Resources and Help Organisation)

If you were sexually abused as a child, the sexual abuse of your child may be a painful reminder of your experience. Dealing with your child's pain may bring up all the hurt and confusion that you ;might have gone through as a child. In order to help your child, you may want to get some support for yourself.

Just keep telling yourself that your feelings are normal. You are not crazy-the situation may be, but you are not. You are also not alone. Other children have suffered abuse and survived. Other parents have gone through this horror and survived. It's alright to feel the way you do.

Hold firmly onto the ;thought that time does heal. Perhaps some stories with positive outcome will help to keep you going:

Tom, aged thirteen, was abused by the man who ran the paper shop. The abuse continued for two years, until the man was arrested for similar offences. Only then did Tom tearfully admit his sexuality. With thesupport and help of his parents and counsellor, Tom learned how to cope with what happened. He no longer felt it was his fault.

Katie, aged eleven, was sexually abused by gym teacher. She told her mother and the police were called, Although the teacher was never prosecuted, Kaitie has gone on with her life. I've never forgotten what happened or forgotten what happened or forgiven him for what he did, but I refused to let it ruin my life'.

Sally was sexually abused by her father from the ages of two to five. She told her mother when she was five. Sally's father denied the abuse and the medical evidence was inconclusive, so the case did not come to court. Sally's father left and was discovered by her mother. Sally ended up in ;the top of her class. She has contributed her story to a book and has won ;a contest for her writing.

Simon's baby-sitter, a young teenage boy and friend of the family, sexually abused him for several years. The boy was arrested for an offence against another child and also confessed to abusing Simon and others. He had been sexually abusing younger children from the age of 9, and had himself been abused. Simon his family got help through family guidance. Simon married and has a family of his own. The boy who abused him was also counselled and has not re-offended.

When it was discovered that Joe was sexually abusing his children, the family broke up. Joe was given sentence and then received therapy. During this time, his children and their mother were also counselled. His children expressed a desire to see their father again and social services worked out supervised visitations.

Amanda was sexually abused by her mother. When she told, the professional did not believe her-they thought it must be the father. Eventually, she did get help. She and her sister then lived with their father and received family counselling. Amanda went on ;to college and became a teacher.

Everyone in the family probably be affected by the abuse in some way. The child or children who have been abused may be exhibiting some of the behavioral changes mentioned earlier. Children who have not been abused may react with anxieties, as well. Clinging to parents, whingeing, withdrawing, coming down with illnesses, trying to stay home from school, demanding more attention, or becoming rebellious are just some of the ways children try to cope with things they cannot really understand.

Although these reactions are natural, the general effect of this is a disrupted, stressed family in which no one feels good of safe. It is just what you don't need. There are some things you might try to make it better:

You may feel it is your child was abused . You may think about all the signs you see now, but didn't connect with abuse at the time. Unless you were involved in the abuse or knew that your child was being abused, it is not your fault. THE PERSON WHO ABUSED YOUR CHILD IS TO BLAME.

Children are never to blame for abuse, no matter what the circumstance. Sometimes abusers that the child 'asked for the the abuse to happen'. The abuser then blames the child. Children to abuse. Children cannot understand the consequences of becoming involved sexually with an adult or older person, and therefore cannot judge the situation. The abuser is always as fault.

This is true if children, having been abused, try to get an adult to become sexual with them. The adult's responsibility is to protect, not exploit, children in these circumstances.

Tell yourself that the abuse was not his or her fault. Work on preventing it happening again (see Teaching Personal Safety Skills). If something you did put your child at greater risk, change it. Check and recheck on the people you leave your child with. If you were involved with drugs or alcohol which made you less aware of what was happening, get help.

The most important thing you can do now is to assure your child that you are not angry with him or her and that you are moving from 'Whose fault was it?' to 'How can we make it better?'

Children often tell about abuse. It may be that they don't know it's wrong or that they were frightened. Some children are threatened. One little boy didn't tell because the abuser said his father would die if he did. Another little fir didn't tell because the abuser said her mother would not love her anymore, if she knew.

Children can be very sensitive and protective and be very sensitive and protective of your feelings. That's why it's important to assure your child that you are pleased that the abuse is out in the open, no matter how you found out. Don't make your child guilty for not having told you or not having told sooner or having told someone outside the family. It is possible that keeping it secret may have saved them from worse harm. Praise your child for having survived the abuse.

Since most children do not want to cause pain to someone they love, they may reveal only a little about the abuse at a time to test your reaction. The following suggestions might be helpful:

Stay calm. Try not to transmit your anger, shock or embarrassment. It will help your child to know that you are in control of a situation he/ she could not cope with alone.

Praise your child for having survived the abuse. Explain that he/she had no choice at the time of the abuse and that he/ she is now safe. This helps children come to terms with the question 'could I have stopped it?

You can say that things like this have happened to other children, but avoid saying that 'this is exactly what happened to the little girl down the road'. No one experiences abuse in the same way

Get medical attention and ensure that the doctor is appropriately trained. Stay with your child during the examination, if possible and appropriate

Face what happened-don't try to pretend everything is alright. You could say, 'I love you and wouldn't have had this happen to you for the world. I can't change what happened, but we'll work together to make it better'

Assure your child that the abuse was the offender's fault. Never say that what happened was dirty or naughty because children then assume they are dirty or naughty as well

Try not to make judgmental statements about the abuser, because the child may still like or love that person. If necessary, say that the person has a problem and needs help you may not want to talk to anyone about the abuse. You have a right to privacy. However, in some cases it may be necessary to work out what to say to friends, family and teachers.

You may also need to help your child decide what to say. Sometimes children who are abused tell too many friends or say too much, when their friends, don't know how to handle the information. Although you will want certain people to know, you will also need to guard your child from embarrassment or even ridicule. It is a fine line because you have told your child the abuse isn't his/her fault. You might want to explain that some people don't understand about abuse, so let's workout together what to say if some asks a question.

'Someone did something they shouldn't have, but that's over.' You're a good friend, so I know you will understand if I don't talk about it.'

If people are spreading rumours or being overly curious, don't become angry - enlist their help instead. Say, 'it would really help my child to get over this if he/she wasn't worried about what people were saying. You know so many people, I wonder if you would mind getting people to understand that comments like "poor Jane" only make it worse. Thanks so much for your help.'

Hopefully you and your family will receive therapy or counselling. There are some things you can do to help your child, but check with the counsellor to ensure that you are working together:

Explain that you will always be willing to listen should your child wish to talk Be reassuring when talking with your child; continue to say that it wasn't the child's fault. If your child continues to say it WAS his or her fault, then say you understand they feel that way and ask why they think that. It may take some time for them to accept that they are not to blame-take it slowly and listen.

Play with water and sand, pound nails into wood, set up a punching bag, encourage physical activity-anything to allow pent up anxiety to escape

For older children, encourage them to write in a diary or to record their feelings on a tape recorder. But older children might still like plasticine or finger painting, as it can be comforting and non-threatening to use these younger means of expression

It is natural that you will spend much time and energy helping your child, but don't forget to take care of yourself. The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be to give your child the care and attention she or he needs.

Sometimes a child or teenager can get out of an abusive situation;other times it isn't possible.When teaching children about personal safety,we must not make them feel guilty about any abuse which has taken place. They should be praised for having survived that abuse.Whatever they did was right.To help them become less at risk in the future,you may wish to teach them some strategies which they could use,depending upon the circumstances.Do this in a matter of fact way-the same way you taught them to watch for cars when crossing the road,or swim or not to play with matches.

Sometimes children who have been abused act our what happened to them by becoming sexual in an inappropriate way with another child. Although this may shock you (or another adult such as your child's teacher)do not punish your child . Your child needs help to learn that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable. Children, depending upon their age, may ot realise it's wrong or may have liked the feelings associated with the abuse and are trying to recreate those feelings. Try to :

If appropriate, explain to the parents of the other child why your child has done this and what you are doing to stop it They will obviously be upset, but an explantation and apology should help.To prevent the Situation getting worse,you may wish to get professional advice and support .Likewise the parents of the other child may need to sort things out.You may seek help from social services or the police child care Team.

If your child has molested another child,it could have serious implications.It could mean he or she is danger of becoming an abuser .Insist upon professional help for the child's sake and to prevent future Victims.

People who sexually abuse children come from every profession ,class and race. The vast majority of reported abusers are male ,but women also sexually abuse children .Most were themselves abused as children (note that most abused children DO NOT grow up to abuse, but some do).Abusers are sexually excited by children and power to force, seduce, threaten or trick children into sexual acts. Quite often they blame the child.

Child abusers gravitate to occupations which place them in contact with children and become very skilled at ensuring a child's silence. In some cases, the parent has come to trust the abuser and will see no problem With the child spending time with that person. Abusers can be manipulative and very believable.In 75% of the cases of child abuse reported to the police,the abuser is known in way by child .

That depends upon the extent of abuse.It could be months;it could be a couple of years or even longer.Sometimes the full extent of the abuse and its effects emerge slowly over a long period of time as the child develops emotionally and sexually.Your support for your child is often very valuable in this process of uncovering and dealing with the abuse.

One father said he thought his son was back to normal within months.'Three years later,he suddenly brought up another incident which he had't talked about before,I suppose it was because he was getting A bit more aware sexually and that made him remember other things.The counsellor we went to said This could again,but the way we handled it was exactly right.That made me feel good,even if I was distressed for my son.We are trying to be sensitive,to listen and not to be thrown if anything else arises. Our son is getting counselling now.We 're prepared to help him as long as it takes.If the police are investigating, your child may be asked questions, you may have to go to court and your child may be called as a witness . If this happens, you can get information on the 'Child Witness Pack' from your local social services or police.

This information pack has been funded and devised through a collabortion of four government departments and five voluntary child care organizations. The pack aims to de-mystify the court process in criminal proceedings and make giving evidence in child abuse cases less of a traumatic experience for children and their families. A supply of free copes was sent to local police forces which are best placed to know the cases in which there is a criminal prosecution. For further copies, contact NSPCC, 67 Saffron Hill, London ECIN 8RS : Tel. :91-071-242 1626.

Hope full the child who has suffered abuse will be receiving professional help. If that is so, you will want to check with the therapist about answering questions and show the therapist these questions and suggested answers. If you are dealing with a child who has been abused, be prepared for possible questions such as these listed here. The suggested answers are only a guide, but might help you avoid some pitfalls. Don't question the child , but do answer if the child questions you.

Although many of the people who abuse children were themselves abused, it is important that children are told that most children who have been abused do not grow up to become abusers themselves. But statements that abused children grow up to abuse do worry many children who have been abused. So if a child grow up to abuse others. If they press you for more information, you could explain that sometimes children who are abused think that it their own fault. Sometimes they think that the abuse happened because they were bad or naughty. They think that they deserved to be abused.

If someone doesn't help to understand it want their fault, they continue to have a bad opinion of themselves. They don't know how to be kind or say good things , so they just repeat what happened to them.The abuse goes in a cycle - parent abuse child, child grows up and abuses his/her own children and so on.

It is sad that many abusers were themselves abused . They need help to sort out their problems and counseling so that they can try to stop abusing. But it is even more important that children who have been abused know that it wasn't their fault and that they can grow up to be loving, kind people to children of their own.

The child may still love the person who abused him/her, so be very careful not to condemn the abuser. You might say that the person had some problems and perhaps was unkindly treated as a child ( see above). The abuser needs to work on these problems so that he/she can around children without harming them,. A void using the excuse that the abuser is 'sick'. Children might then think that anyone who gets sick is a potential abuser.

Sometimes the abuse didn't seem to be abuse to the child. It may have come from the only person whom the child felt loved him/her. It might have felt good. After the initial abuse, the child might have approached the abuser and so feels that is unfair that the abuser is being punished. Your child may be feeling quite sad. One way to help him/her is to say that sometimes grownups do things with children that should be done with other grownups and should never be done between a child and an older person. Children need to be protected until they are old enough to understand and make decisions themselves.

It is not surprising that we want to treat children who have suffered abuse in a special way. Althrough extra treats and love are fine, the child desperately needs to be 'normal' fitting into the structure of the home or school, being given the same chores as any child and following the family or school rules are important to the child's healing process. Try to keep everything as normal as possible. It makes the child feel more secure

Of course, your child may need time to him/herself and may need extra attention, but that shouldn't detract from the child being given limits and structure. You could say, 'You know that I am very concerned that you were abused, but I know that it is best for you to do the things that children are expected to do, like go to school, clean your room and brush your teeth (or whatever).

Children need someone to help them take control of their lives - to help them begin to heal. They may fight against it, but that is only to test your willingness to stick to the rules. All children will test limits.

Children want to know what it was about them that led to the abuse. They sometimes think they must have brought into on themselves. You might say, 'You just happened to be there', or 'It's not your fault you were born into (or live in or went to school in) that situation' or 'it could have been another child - the person needed any child, not you particularly'. The message to get across is that it was unfortunate that the child was the victim, but the child did not bring the abuse on and it not reponsible for it.

Alexander and the Dragon, (ages 4-9), K. Holabird, Autrum Books, wonderful book about a little boy overcoming his fear of the dark (the dragon), with lots of support from Mum an Dad.

Back in the first Perosn, (teens), K.Page. Virago Press becomes walled up in her own silence after being raped by Steve. She needs to tell and get help, but is afraid.

The Body Book, (ages 3-11), Claire Rayner, Piccolo. Great illustrations with simple explanations - especially important for children who have been abused to make them feel comfortable about their bodies.